There are a lot of reasons WHY that I can give you here.
First: after my grandmother developed dementia, I would go get slices of her favorite cake, this kind, whenever I wished I could reach her. I grew to like it quite a lot in that time.
Second: it is attributed to the American South, but. *shocker*
It actually hails from Jamaica, where it once was served without any frosting at all.
Mashed bananas, crushed pineapple, chopped pecans, and cinnamon, all mixed together in a butter-less batter.
Supposedly, the cake draws us in like nectar does to hummingbirds.
Sweet, tangy, warm, and soothing – and on to the next thing.
*tw for discussion of depression, suicide
I have not really talked about this before, but a number of years ago, I took a road trip. I drove to the house where my father died and I stood outside of it for a long time.
I had inherited that house when I was a kid, and it was promptly sold. Standing before it, I saw that, in the years that followed, it had become the darkest on the street.
That day, I closed my eyes and I envisioned light raining down on the place, picking up the pieces he couldn’t mend, and returning the parts of him he left behind, healed.
I stood there so long that the clouds parted and the sun came out. Afterward, I wandered through the orange grove across the street.
Today is the anniversary of the day that he chose to end his life. Fifteen years ago today, he died.
It took me a very long time to realize that that was never personal. In fact, most things aren’t.
(though this does not mean it does not need attention at times)
and at some point, it becomes a matter of [holding opposing constructs] at the same time, gracefully
offering light or cake
a beautiful entanglement of sugar/butter/cocoa swirled and smattered every which way,
knowing all of it is just waiting to be loved off, like velvet.
If you know it is good, then let yourself have it.
Sign up for the yoga class that costs more money, if it’s the one you want to take.
Sleep 12 hours. Have coffee in the afternoon-even if you maybe know yourself better-and enjoy it with nice company.
Then, wonder why you’re awake at 4am the next morning when you don’t have to be, just yet. Meditate and write in the space that was created, understanding sleep will arrive next time.
Light all of the candles. Take your vitamins.
Entertain the idea of life without medication, and maybe start to believe you are the exception to the rule (but know that it is okay if this is not the case, too).
Break out your ukulele and laugh off the rust and listen for the moment your voice returns.
Know that you will never again accept something into your life that tells you your own pleasure is for another time.
Roast spaghetti squash and make it into warm salad and ask your best friend to stop by for dinner, if she wants to. [She does.]
Then, release the brownies you broke peppermint bark on top of before baking and don’t let anyone tell you that you need to be doing anything else but that, right there.
Truthfully, there is a bit of a layered story behind this.
Now, I admit I am not an expert when it comes to Norwegian Christmas recipes, but I am told that Serinakaker are one such item in that category.
It sounds like, typically, they are topped with pearl sugar or chopped almonds.
I don’t eat a lot of nuts, so
I decided to drive and get pearl sugar one night. Except, I was sleepy and I did not want to walk through the cold after parking my car, so
I decided to use the the blue sanding sugar I bought a while ago, [because I like anything that sparkles in my favorite color] and I kept on driving past the pearl sugar store. Instead, I headed to the dollar-a-minute acupressure massage place I like, and I passed out afterward and slept for twelve hours.
Thus, these cookies are a tale of self-compassion. And also, they look like Smurf vaginas.
Sending you sparkles and compassion, if you need it.
& – I love you and
I know now that I will miss you.
Days will pass and I will think
of you, and I will be many things
for a time, but it will clear
as things do, and I will remember
the moment I last saw you
before all of it will arrive (and stay a while)
before passing, and I will think
how I wish I could be there
again to tell you back then
I love you
and I know now
that is the most important thing.