Best-Ever Dirty Mashed Potatoes

Let’s do a trust-building exercise. You are about to learn that I don’t make promises I cannot keep. But before we get to that, perhaps we should cover some important history.

You should know that Mashed Potatoes and I have a past. Truthfully, we’ve spent a significant part of my 23 years together. Please don’t feel intimidated by this. Mashed Potatoes were there to complement every important holiday, to warm many chilly winter nights, to enjoy when I was vegan, to delight in when my diet was medically restricted, and now, to indulge in whenever I please. As you may surmise, 23 years of Mashed Potato-eating is a lot, especially considering what we’ve been through together. To put it simply, Mashed Potatoes and I know each other well. And our quarter-of-a-century-long, whirlwind romance means that I know when I’ve found a good recipe. Trust me, this one is the best.

To be honest, these mashed potatoes are an act of serendipity. My Boo and I ordered a Garlic Mashed Potato Pizza from Pizza Luce (a fun/strange pizza place in the Twin Cities, for those of you who aren’t familiar), and I returned home determined to make my own version of it. Et voila! What resulted was the best mashed potato recipe I have ever encountered. But my sharing this recipe with you is conditional: you must make it just as I have prescribed. If you plan on substituting low fat milk or “fancy” margarine, it will not turn out the same (I’ve tried!). I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is only one solution for those of you who can’t fathom consuming these full-fat wonders: either eat a small portion, or undo your pants. No matter what, I promise you won’t regret it.

Best-Ever Dirty Mashed Potatoes

1 1/2-2 lb (roughly 5-6 large) red potatoes, skins on, chopped into 1-in thick chunks
4 tbsp high-quality salted butter
1/2 cup whole milk
2 scallions (plus more for serving), light green parts only, sliced thinly
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1/2 tbsp onion powder
sea salt and freshly cracked black pepper, to taste

Boil salted water and add potatoes. Cook until potatoes are tender, then strain. Hint: You can tell that potatoes are done when they can be broken apart with spoon! While the potatoes are boiling, combine butter, milk, scallions, and garlic in a separate pot. Simmer on low until the butter has melted. Remove from heat and reserve until potatoes are done. When the potatoes are fully cooked and strained, combine with milk mixture and onion powder in a large bowl. Beat together with a handheld mixer until all ingredients are incorporated. Add sea salt and freshly cracked black pepper, to taste. If you’re looking for creamier potatoes, mix in an additional 1-2 tablespoons butter. Sprinkle with additional scallions and serve.