If you know me in real life, then maybe don’t talk to me about this. Unless I bring it up. I recently woke from a dream in which someone had taken the ice cubes from the tray I like. [I have two trays.] It happened when I wasn’t looking.
There has been a ghost. I seem transparent, too. It is surprising when someone is surprised to learn something about me. There is a lot that I keep quiet.
For the last long while. Like ice cubes. I kindofsortof(reallydon’ttalktomeaboutthis) froze over. A shape of a space. Slowly, I melted in ways.
That awkward phase of Spring in which it is light. Suggestive. You can feel what’s coming. But then your feet are too cold at night. It is dark and it might just never warm up. You are too far to know for sure.
Water takes many forms, and ice is one of them. Most days for the last year I have ended up spontaneously crying harsh tears for just a minute or two in my car. Before heading wherever it is we are going these days. Me and my ghost.
Winter, for so long. Maybe in winter there is a white noise blanket. To block out the rattling. Selectively attentive theft. Perhaps the underneath needs time.
Meanwhile, you do and you do and you do. You have to. And then there is light. Maybe. Afterward. When you aren’t looking anymore. You end up okay. Either way. In spite of or because of your ghost.
The events pressed their daily REPLAY in waking time that morning. Chocolate was melted. Sweetened condensed milk, swirled. Coconut, toasted. Sprinkles, sprinkled. No tears.
For the first time there is a puddle. It is a slow thaw. As it will be. A specter. A vision.
One Year: Mozzarella Grilled Cheese with Harissa, Dates, and Scallions
Two Years: Miche Toast with Opal Apple Ribbons, Hazelnuts, and Lavender Honey
Three Years: Pecan Buttermilk Fudge
Four Years: Brown Butter, Goat Cheese, and Chive Drop Biscuits
Malted Chocolate Toasted Coconut Fudge
Makes 25 squares
1/2 cup desiccated coconut
1 cup large coconut shavings
2 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
1 14-oz can sweetened condensed milk
pinch of salt
1/4 cup ovaltine powder
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
2 tbsp sprinkles, of mixed variety
Preheat oven to 200 degrees Fahrenheit and divide coconut on baking sheet. Toast until golden brown, about 8-10 minutes. Set aside. Meanwhile, bring water to a boiler in a large pot and line a square baking dish with parchment paper. Using a double boiler method, stir together chocolate chips, sweetened condensed milk, and salt until melted. Remove from heat. Stir in Ovaltine and vanilla extract immediately. Stir in all but 1/4 cup toasted coconut flakes. Pour fudge into prepared baking dish, spreading out to edges until evenly distributed. Sprinkle the top with remaining coconut flakes and sprinkles. Refrigerate for 30-45 minutes, then slice into squares. Fudge will last up to three days, stored at room temperature.
